HealthyRelationships
There is a lot more to a relationship than simply being in one. Relationships are much like gardening. Sure you can toss some seeds on the ground and some will grow, but to have a truly fruitful garden requires some work. You have to tend to it, remove the weeds, water it, and ensure the plants are healthy as they grow. It’s much the same with a relationship. Both parties must become involved in cultivating it for it to grow and whether the storms. The foremost essential ingredient to a healthy relationship is communication, but other tools are also needed such as patience, kindness and the ability to compromise. Too many people enter relationships with the idea of ‘if it doesn’t work out, I’ll…’ To have a truly lasting relationship, you have to enter it with a ‘if we hit a bump in the road we will...”.
| When you meet someone, you immediately begin to form impressions. Whether those are positive or negative, they are impressions. You form relationships with those people you see as a positive influence in your life; whether it’s because they make you laugh, or their honesty and integrity. Often we form relationships with those who lack these qualities; they drag us down with drama, negativity or deceit. As time goes on, we find we distance ourselves from these unconstructive relationships. The same should be true when finding a mate. |  |
I said earlier that communication is the one tool that a relationship cannot survive without. Part of communicating is having the patience to listen to another as well as the kindness to keep an open mind. Without communication, patience and kindness you cannot grow as a couple. The ability to have an open discussion about a topic where both parties have different views is essential to avoiding conflict. You and your mate will not always agree on every issue in your lives, but being able to sit down and talk with the other and knowing they will keep an open mind about your views will go a long way toward defusing conflict.
Will this always be possible? Not by a long shot, as no matter how much we communicate, we are still human. Finding the ability to fight fairly however requires kindness and patience. Arguments are going to happen, but don’t let it ruin your relationship by resorting to name calling, dredging up past events that don’t pertain to the current topic. Instead of making accusatory statements, use feeling statements such as “It makes me feel ______ when you ____” rather than “You’re such an arse when you _____”. This only serves to put the other on the
| defensive rather than open a dialog toward reconciliation. Dr Phil has a very good article on fighting fair that I recommend to everyone. There are many others, but this is one of the best that I have read. |  |
Another essential tool to a healthy relationship is the ability to compromise. Both parties must be able to give and take for there to be that critical balance that allows both of you to grow as people as well as a couple. In my marriage, my husband and I both have equal say, but we also have areas of responsibility where we have final say; for my husband, his area is finances because he’s the breadwinner, for me it’s the children and our home because I’m the caregiver. We both have equal say over where our finances go, but he has final say. With the children, we both have equal say, but I have the final veto power due to the fact that I am the one who they rely on for their everyday care (especially while he’s deployed). This isn’t necessarily something we sat down and planned out, it sort of developed over time, though it is something we have both recognized and acknowledged. This works for us, it may or may not work for others.
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Regular, open, honest communication (not just saying what we think they want to hear) will help to strengthen any relationship wither it’s with your mate, you family, friends or co workers. It builds the trust that is necessary to weather the storms that will come through out life. It also serves to make you a stronger person, builds your own self esteem because you know that you can depend on your mate when the going gets tough, and this enables you to take a stand on your own two feet. |
Taking the time to ensure these tools are in place as you enter a relationship will save you a lot of potential heartache down the road. You should be able to talk to your spouse about anything. Does that mean you should divulge every minute detail about your past? Probably not, after all it’s in the past and cannot be changed, and some information can be harmful to your mate (such as discussing all your prior relationships in painstaking detail); however that doesn’t mean you should hide things from them either. This is where communication, patience and kindness must be generously used, they should be employed to cultivate not destroy.
In all things, research what will work best for your family. You wouldn’t ask someone with no children for parenting advice, so find those you respect who are like-minded and in a successful relationship to seek advice; whether that is your parents, your pastor, a family counselor or a trusted friend. Never be afraid to ask for help, it is a sign of strength that you can recognize a need ask request assistance to meet it.
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Choice
There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
~Denis Waitley
Melissa
Melissa is a 35 year old Army wife to her deployed husband, and the mother of three girls. Two are toddlers and the third is a teen, lending to her bouts of insanty. Melissa and her husband Tom are still deciding whether or not they will have "one more" while Melissa tries to figure out how to convince Tom that homebirth is a good thing.
