AttachmentParenting
According to Dr. William Sears, Attachment Parenting (AP) is a highly responsive, attentive style of caring for a child. AP promotes physical and emotional closeness between parent and child through what Dr. Sears refers to as the "Baby Bs"... bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bed sharing and boundary building. The best part of this parenting concept is this is not an all or nothing choice. You can incorporate as many or as few of the elements that work for your family.
It often begins before conception. You know that you want to be hands on, without all the bells and whistles; just the way mother nature intended. You educate yourself regarding the best way to maintain a healthy pregnancy, birthing options, how much or little medical intervention you want provided to your little one during and after their birth. This may also include decisions on vaccination, newborn testing, circumcision and nutrition.
One of the best ways to ensure a healthy attachment between mother and child is through breastfeeding. Aside from emergent medical treatment, the best time to start breast feeding is the instant your little one arrives. Birth can be a trying experience for such a little person and the comfort you can provide takes nothing more than your breast, gentle caresses and lots of kisses and cooing over your new miracle. Breastfeeding immediately after delivery helps the mother as well by regulating the contractions of her uterus to expel the placenta, which also helps to reduce the size of the uterus which can help prevent hemorrhage.
Breastfeeding benefits your child by providing them with the perfect nutrition that constantly adapts to their ever changing needs. It also helps their developing immune system protect against illness and provides the very best source of vitamins and minerals needed for brain development. It contains all the healthy fats and nutrients which fill their little belly as well as the sweet hind-milk… their own dessert. The best part is, you get some quality snuggle time at each meal and you don’t have to sterilize anything, it is always the right temperature and your body is constantly producing more.
Another way to encourage a deep and lasting bond with your little one is physical contact. Your newborn spent their first nine months in constant contact with you. The first sound they heard was the beating of your heart. Why should that change once they exit your womb? Wearing your little one ("babywearing") through out the day gives your little one the contact they need while still enabling you to go about your business. Your child is up, able to look around at the world while securely snuggling against mom or dad. Yes, wearing your little one is a great way for dad to get some bonding time with baby. It also gives mom a chance to take a shower, or catch up on email or simply take a nap. I found it to be an excellent way to cope with colic as the pressure and warmth of my body against Kassandra’s belly helped to relieve her pain, or at least provide some level of comfort during those trying evenings.
Co-sleeping is a means to combine the first two elements of attachment parenting with even more of a bonus to the family. Your infant had your warmth, the sound of your heart and breath to comfort them before they were born; co-sleeping allows these familiarities to carry over to sleep as well. We co-slept with both of the babies for the first month of their life every night. After the first month we began introducing the bassinet, which was located immediately beside our bed. Many families co-sleep exclusively until the child is old enough to request their own bed; an example of how the various elements can be adapted to each families needs.
Co-sleeping is also thought to play a roll in reducing SIDS. Because your little one is at your side, you are more aware of their well being, they are comforted by your presence and sleep more soundly. You awake more easily and yet rest more securely because your baby is so close. Of course, there is the added benefit of not having to get out of your nice warm, comfortable bed for those middle of the night breast feeding sessions. Everything you both need is already in bed with you and ready to go; in fact there are nights where you will feel more like a human pacifier than anything, but even those nights are worth every second of sleep deprived frustration. I felt more rested when the babies were in bed with us than when I had to go to their room, nurse them, try to get them back to sleep before staggering back to my bed. I really wish we had co-slept longer, but once they started rolling over we had to find other options due to having a waterbed at the time. Co-sleeping is yet another way for daddy to bond with baby. I can’t count the times I would reach out to find Samantha and wake up sharply when I didn’t feel her beside me, only to find that daddy had pulled her up onto his chest and both were blissfully asleep.
Remember being told to listen before you speak? Well the same is true in your relationship with your child. With Samantha my mother told me that she would never learn to speak because I always gave her what she wanted before she asked for it. That wasn’t true. She simply didn’t have words to “ask”. I could tell what she needed by listening to the sound she could make. Whimpers, coos and cries can tell you almost everything you need to know about your little one if you choose to listen. It won’t happen on their first night home, but over time, if you pay attention, you’ll begin to hear the subtle differences in their cries. Sami’s cry had an ‘ing’ sound when she was hungry, a harshness when she was in pain and an almost whimpering whine when she was sleepy. She was “talking” to me plain as day because I had paid attention. Infants don’t just cry because they want to, nor do their lungs “need the exercise”. They aren’t trying to manipulate you and you can’t spoil them.
Let me repeat that. YOU CAN NOT SPOIL THEM by giving them too much attention. For something to “spoil” means it has been left unattended for too long (such as vegetables in the refrigerator). If your baby is crying it is because they need something… namely… you.
It is unavoidable that at some point someone will tell you that you *must* teach them to sleep through the night, or sooth themselves, or to “put them on a schedule”. Let me give you a piece of advice. If you want to train something… get a puppy. We’re talking about small humans here. Little persons who have needs just as you do. They have their own schedule and it doesn’t always coincide with yours. They eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired and there is not much you can do about it. If you’re hungry, you get something to eat. How would you feel if someone told you that you couldn’t have anything to eat because it hadn’t been four hours since the last time you ate? It would probably irritate you to say the least. So why should we force our children who have no concept of time to curb their appetite to our schedule? My daughters were fed on demand, whether that was every two hours or every six. Breastfeeding moms can tell you, the frequency changes, especially if they aren't feeling well, or are entering a growth spurt or if they just had a rough day and need more mommy time.
We developed our “schedule” together. I learned their patterns and was able to incorporate activities around them so that we both knew what to expect. We know that once they wake up, its time to eat; whether its breakfast or afternoon snack, they know its wake up, eat, play, and then take a nap. Over time their schedule became our schedule. They are part of the family and therefore have the right to have a say in how it operates. Granted, when they are very small, their say seems to be the loudest, but over time, what you give to them comes back to you. My girls are probably the easiest to get down napping. They walk themselves back to their rooms and climb into their beds. We give kisses and say good night and I leave the room. This only came about because I paid attention to their cue’s and began to understand their needs and they learned they can depend on me to meet those needs.
One of the best benefits I have found of attachment parenting is that it gives me more time to take care of me. At first, when they are very little, you are the one doing all the giving and they are doing all the taking. Think of it as investing. The more you put into it, the more dividends you will receive. Because my children and I have developed our “schedule” around their needs, I have come to know when they will nap, when they will play quietly on their own and when they want or need mommy time. This has enabled me to be able to plan my mommy time.
You have to be able to find the balance between being the mom and being the person you were before you heard “congratulations, you’re having a baby”. They both exist and both need to be nourished. Mommy is nourished with hugs and kisses and those priceless smiles that can only come from your children. The wife is nourished with private moments with your spouse; quiet time spent enjoying each others company. The woman is nourished when she can take a step back to look after her own needs and appreciate that the world will not fall apart simply because she chooses to go have coffee with the girls. Kids pick up on your stress and will react to it, which only serves to increase your stress. Only you can find the right balance for your life. No advice in the world can create that balance for you. Some women are nourished in all the aspects of their life simply by fulfilled the needs of the mother… some aren’t. That doesn’t make you any better or worse of a mother than the next woman. You must find your balance and ensure you take the steps you need to achieve it. Only when mom is balanced can the family be balanced.
If I could give parents only one piece of advice from this whole list… its to find your balance. If you have your balance, its much easier to meet the needs of your little one and parenting becomes so much more fulfilling for the entire family.
More Information...
Here are some of my favorite links for Attachment Parenting.
Choice
There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
~Denis Waitley
Melissa
Melissa is a 35 year old Army wife to her deployed husband, and the mother of three girls. Two are toddlers and the third is a teen, lending to her bouts of insanty. Melissa and her husband Tom are still deciding whether or not they will have "one more" while Melissa tries to figure out how to convince Tom that homebirth is a good thing.
